Thursday Thirteen: Headlines from 2012

Thirteen headlines from 2012 1. Wills and Colleen to wed! Prince William announced today his engagement to Colleen McLoughlin, former girlfriend of Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney. Rooney is said to be devastated and too depressed to play football any more. "I might take up ping-pong though," he said. Other reactions came from Buckingham Palace, where the Queen is said to have asked why her son was marrying Princess Fiona from the seven Shrek movies; and Kate Middleton, who was heard to mutter, "They never asked me to be on the cover of American Vogue." 2. Olympic Stadium set to be finished by 2025 The Sir David Beckham Stadium is set to be finished ahead of schedule in 2025. Critics have pointed out that it ought have been finished in time for the Olympics in London this year, but Mayor Ken Livingstone responded that he only heard of the Olympics for the first time seven years ago, "and how long do you think it takes to build a stadium anyway?" 3. Harry Potter and the Unemployment Centre released in July! The tenth book in the series follows Harry as he prepares to leave Wandsticks University and finds that a 2-1 in Applied Magic won't get him far in the job market. Now poor Harry is faced with mounting debts from his multi-million-galleon education, not to mention trying to support the wand-weilding twins resulting from his affair with Ginny Weasley and trying to write a best man speech for Ron and Hermione's wedding. 4. Petrol prices in the UK hit £10/gallon "I remember back in 2007 when it passed £4 a gallon," said Larry Driver of Epping, "and we all thought that was monstrous. I can't believe it still costs less than a quid in America. What, do they just pull it out of the ground over there?" The price hike comes after a 400% tax is placed on all car products. The price of an average family car is now higher than the average family home. 5. Salt declared a Class A drug From July, anyone found in possession of a full gram of salt could face ten years in jail, with suppliers getting lifetime imprisonment. "The problem is that it's so easy to make," said Doctor Nannystate, a government research scientist. "We have massive communities of salt-addicts living by the sea, just boiling water to get salt. It's become a huge problem and we just don't have the police-power to deal with it." 6. Another cigarette-related explosion Since smoking was outlawed anywhere on land in Britain, there have been increasing numbers of boat thefts and explosions on off-shore oil rigs as smokers take to the seas to fuel their habit. "What with them and the salt-fiends, the seaside has become an incredibly dangerous place to raise children," said Soho Davis, MP for Dunwich. 7. Keira Knightley piles on the pounds As competition mounts to find the perfect actress to play inept spy Sophie Green from Kate Johnson's best-selling novels, actresses across the UK and Hollywood try to prove their suitability. "It's the role of a lifetime," Keira says. "I've been following Renee Zellweger's Bridget Jones diet of pizza and Guinness and I hope this gives me the right look to play Sophie." Critics have expressed concern that the actress may be piling on too many pounds. "We don't want her to join the obesity epidemic," said celebrity chef Sir Jamie Oliver. But others have condemned the character for not being fat enough. "She's a UK size twelve," says Aunty Zero, a teen magazine agony aunt. "That puts her dangerously close to the size zero that is so very unhealthy. We're advising teenage girls that anything less than a size sixteen is bowing to peer pressure." 8. Geography lessons abolished In accordance with government guidelines on offensive terms, many schools are now scrapping their Geography curriculum. "It's just too difficult to teach a class without using the word 'Asian'" said Pansy Blackman, a London teacher, "which was banned last month in case it incited religious hatred." Other words on this week's banned list include black, white, yellow, colour, gay, pansy, straight, thin, fat, ugly, woman, man, female, male, and carbohydrate, which after tomorrow will carry a £1,000 on-the-spot fine for useage. "We think our Art lessons might have to be scrapped too," said the teacher, who from now on will be known as Liberty Bland, "and it doesn't look good for Biology, either." 9. Kate Johnson slowest ever Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. The best-selling author this week made history as the slowest ever driver to make it round the Top Gear test track. "She was slower than the blind man," says former presenter Jeremy Clarkson, now imprisoned for inciting radical anti-green behaviour such as driving a car faster than 30mph. "She stalled three times on the Hammerhead. Of course, since they won't allow any vehicle that doesn't run on sustainable electricity, she was limited with her acceleration, but even so it was pretty damn slow." Says Johnson, "I don't know how the hell I managed to stall the Reasonably Priced Milk Float. It doesn't even have a clutch." 10. Green baby for Angelina and Brad Following the discovery that food-colouring can be injected into sperm cells, Brad and Angelina Pitt-Jolie are delighted to announce that they will be giving birth to the world's first green baby. "We're just so delighted," cooed Angelina, surrounded by her seven adopted children. "I wanted to create a rainbow family, but I just wasn't satisfied with the rather shabby choice of colours available in nature. And green is so the colour of the moment." Says Brad, "I'm delighted of course, but I have to say it was weird having green sperm." 11. Woman wins right to wear clothes on plane Following last year's security restrictions prohibiting all non-essential footwear, clothing and hair on board aircraft, Godiva Loveit from Bristol today won a landmark case against the ruling. Ms Loveit, who suffers from deep vein thrombosis, has been allowed to wear support socks on board the plane, provided she screens them separately in a clear plastic bag and carries a doctor's prescription with her. "I'm just so glad," she said yesterday on the courthouse steps. "Although I know I'll have to face people who think all clothed passengers are terrorists." 12. Antique skis displayed in V&A The Victoria and Albert museum today announced their acquisition of one of the last pairs of skis in the world. "It's so strange to think that a mere five years ago, people would strap these things to their feet and go hurtling down mountains," said the museum's curator. Overheard in the lobby, one child asked his parents, "What's all that white stuff covering the mountains?" 13. Heather to remarry The world's richest divorcée, Heather Mills-McCartney-Jagger-Windsor, announced today that she is to marry the Sultan of Brunei next year. "He's not as rich as I am," she said, "but what does that matter when you're in love?" She is said to be planning a double wedding with her former son-in-law, Prince William, but his fiancée is not keen. "She might change her mind and run off with Wills," said Colleen, "and we can't have that: Woolworths have already started selling Wills'n'Colleen commemorative plates."

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Why Sophie Green and Emma Woodhouse are so alike

They both sold less than thirty copies to start with.

All right, they're both interfering women who can be quite bright but suffer from occasional roadblocks of stupidity. They somehow inspire wonderful men to fall in love with them. They're brave and loyal. They like to see their friends happy.

I'm not sure Gwyneth Paltrow could ever play Sophie, though...

Happy St George's Day!

Less well known than his Irish cousin, cooler though, I think. Killed dragons and all that. Although apparently he was Turkish. Anyway. It's also Shakespeare's birthday, very selfish of him to be born in April when it's too cold for the Globe to really put on a proper celebration. Could celebrate his deathday instead, but it's the same day. Rotten day to die, eh?

Not much to report. Pepper continues to be a) cute and b) hard work. Swear she's doubled in size. Am working on Sophie book seven (seven! And it's nearly done, too). Trying to figure out a way to get to San Francisco for RWA next year. Just sent off my registration for the RNA conference this year (bit easier to get to, Leicester). Had an eye test today, apperently don't need new glasses although my prescription has all these new things on it that weren't there before. Went out on Saturday to my first hen party--well, actually a hen meal, very civilised, even if the hen was wearing red glittery L plates. Decided really need to go on a diet, and then Mum brought back two bars of Toblerone from Copenhagen.

This stream of consciousness brought to you by Kate Johnson.

Thirteen fabulous things about where I live 1. The pair of shoes hanging over the power cable across the high street in town. Been there for months. Think they were once from the bowling alley. 2. My village is damn pretty. Listed in the Magna Carta of 1215, I'm also pretty sure it was in the Domesday Book, too. 3. This pretty village has seven pubs (no longer eight, alas! One was bought by an evil property developer, bah!) for a population of about 6,000. 4. We also have five churches. I think. So, you can drink and repent without having to go very far. 5. My uncle was astonished at this when he visited from Sheffield: that random people you pass by in the street, especially older people, will smile and say, "Good morning!" All the old people he meets (he's a bus driver) are apparently miserable buggers. But then if I'd lived in Sheffield for seventy years, I'd be miserable too. 6. The climate. I dunno if this is airport-related or what, but we have such a mild climate here--and it's a total microclimate, too. I got stuck in a terrible rainstorm a few miles away once and ended up turning back after six miles, to find it was dry as a bone here. 7. Ah yes, the airport. Love it, hate it (and generally I hate it), you can't deny that having an international airport on your doorstep is a useful thing. I mean, how many medieval villages have international airports? 8. In about five minutes, I can be walking in fields of gold. 9. In about two minutes, walking, I can buy milk, bread, newspapers, wine, chocolate and a wonderful variety of crisps. 10. Ten minutes walk to the station, and under an hour to London. Yeah, I usually bitch about this, because seriously, an hour to go 36 miles? but an hour to the world's greatest capital is still pretty decent. 11. It's really easy to tell people where I live. For people in the UK, I tell them it's near Stansted airport. For everyone else, it's just north of London (except for that bartender who thought 'north of London' meant 'Scotland'). 12. I get Broadband (although it took its damn time). 13. It's flat (mostly). Me and hills are unmixy things.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It's easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wordless Wednesday: A few of my favourite things

Do I blog about David Tennant too much?

Ska-wee!

I finalled in the Passionate Plume contest! This is held by the Passionate Ink chapter of the RWA to celebrate the best in erotic romance--and I'm one of five finalists in the Futuristic/Fantasy/Sci-fi category with Almost Human. Again!

In other news, Pepper is now comfortable enough in the house to doze in the kitchen while we watched Doctor Who from Saturday night. David Tennant ('crazy, but a little magnificent') in a futuristic traffic jam so insane it takes six years to travel six miles--in the fast lane. Have I mentioned lately how much I love David Tennant? No? I love David Tennant!

Lazy Sunday afternoon

...got no mind for worries. Pepper has been dozing under the bench in the front garden most of the afternoon, after a hard morning of climbing up and down the three steps to the drive. Hard work being a puppy.

Sugar and Spike still aren't sure what to make of her. They've both sneaked up on her while she's sleeping, taken a close sniff, then recoiled in horror. But they haven't been aggressive, just mostly curious. Poor Pepper just wants to play with them! This has, however, helped me develop a theory on the dogs-chasing-cats idea. The dog doesn't want to chase she cat away, she just wants to play. The cat, however, is disgusted by this leggy, smelly creature, and so hightails it (literally) out of there. Dog thinks this is part of the game, and so pursues.

Yesterday, both Sugar and Spike ended up perched halfway up the oak tree while Pepper sniffed around the roots. Wussy cats.

Here she is after a hard day of being adorable:

This cushion is now part of her bed. Cushion, towel/blanket, Knotty. Poor neglected puppy.

In other news, I finished final line edits on A is for Apple, the third Sophie book, which is getting ready to go to Book Expo America. I should hopefully be getting a cover soon (I typed 'toon' there, hah!).

Now, it's absolutely glorious weather here, more like June than April, so I have some hardcore sunbathing to do. Yes, I know I said I was going to stay pale and interesting this year, but I say that every year, and it gets really tiring having people ask if I'm anaemic all summer...

Pepper Pepper Pepper!

Yep, we brought our new baby home today! She was a sweetheart and slept in the crook of my arm most of the journey. And has spent the time since hopping around the garden being adorable.

Here she is with my dad--see how tiny she is?


And here she is trying to eat my shoe while I'm taking pictures of her. I don't know what it is with dogs and shoes...maybe it's genetic. Must wag tail, adore owner, and eat shoes.


Giving me a doggy kiss on the hand. Bless.


Saying hello to Spike, who was Not Impressed. When we brought her in, I handed her to my dad and picked up Spike who wanted to see what the fuss was about. He didn't seem all that interested in what Dad was holding, until he realised it was alive, whereupon he hissed, scrambled out of my arms, and startled his sister into leaping away from Mum, scratching her finger open and knocking over the water bowl.

I feel that went quite well.


Pepper killing Knotty.


All tuckered out. She seems to like her box (and yes, that is a super-market cardboard fruit crate she's sleeping in. With an old bath towel. Nothing but luxury for my poppet).




Spike all blissed out from the catnip drops I bribed him with to forgive me.



Sugar, not looking particularly convinced.


But lest they forget, this was Sugar and Spike the day after we brought them home, poor wee mites that they were--at least they had each other!

Thursday Thirteen: Whedonverse quotes I love

Thirteen Whedonverse quotes I love 1. Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be 'William the Bloody' or just 'Spike,' because either way it's gonna look majorly weird. Spike: Whereas the name 'Buffy' gives it that touch of classic elegance. Buffy: What's wrong with 'Buffy'? Giles: Ah, such a good question. BTVS, Something Blue. Okay, it was really hard to just pick one from Something Blue, because it's one of the funniest things I have ever seen on TV. It was either this, or the scene with Riley ("I don't think 'no' is a strong enough word"). 2. Spike: We...we kissed, you and me. All Gone With The Wind, with the rising music, and the rising...music, and what was that, Buffy? BTVS: Tabula Rasa. Yeah, it wasn’t just the music rising. 3. Spike (to Buffy and Angel): You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood, blood screaming inside you to work its will. BTVS, Lover’s Walk. Spike has some of the best lines, I swear they’re like poetry sometimes. He’s particularly eloquent about love. 4. Wesley: “I’m a rogue demon hunter now.” Cordy: “Oh, wow. What’s a rogue demon?” Angel, Parting Gifts. Cordy, a blonde in hiding. Wesley, a geek in biking leathers. 5. Spike (sings): The torch I bear is scorching me Buffy's laughing, I've no doubt I hope she fries I'm free if that bitch dies! I’d better help her out. BTVS, Once More With Feeling. Spike, who belives that denial is just a river in Egypt. 6. Spike: Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy. Buffy: I don’t want to be the one. Spike: I don’t want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear. BTVS, Touched. Yes, I know I’m putting a lot of Spike in here, but he does have the best lines. Isn’t that just beautiful? Wouldn’t you love to have someone say that to you? And then turn on a dime and break the tension with a joke? 7. Mal: Zoe, ship is yours. Remember. If anything happens to me... or if you don't hear from me within the hour... you take this ship and you come and you rescue me. Zoe: What? Risk my ship? Serenity. Mal. You know, he tries to be bitter and brooding, but it just doesn’t work very well. 8. River: She understands. She doesn’t comprehend. Firefly, Objects in Space. A little like me, when I was doing Philosophy A level. 9. Pike: I can keep talking until you strike me dead. Or not. I prefer not. BTVS the movie. Come on, it had some great lines. And Luke Perry. 10. Mal: Yes, I’ve read a poem. Try not to faint. Serenity. This is off Inara’s incredulous look when Mal references the albatross from the Ancient Mariner. 11. Kaylee: Been more’n a year I had anything twixt my nethers didn’t run on batteries. Mal: I don’t need to hear that! Jayne: I could stand to hear a little more. Serenity. Jayne: I wanted to quote more of his lines, but the reason most of them are so great is because of the way Adam Baldwin says them. Love seeing this guy, who usually plays straight-faced military types, as a dirty mercenary. 12. Jayne: The hero of Canton, the man they call…me Firefly, Jaynestown. This is Jayne drunkenly singing a ballad written about him in a town where he’s considered a hero (because he accidentally ‘donated’ a lot of money to the townspeople when he’d intended to steal it). Adam Baldwin, fantastic. 13. Buffy (to Spike, about Angel): You know, one of these days I’m just going to put you two in a room and let you wrestle it out. Spike: No problem at this end. Buffy: There could be oil of some kind. BTVS, Chosen. Angel plus Spike, minus shirts, plus oil equals mmmmm. Only thirteen, I hear you cry? Well, obviously there are dozens more. Most of the things Xander and Wash say, for starters, and a good few of Lorne's lines too. So, tell me: what are your favourites?

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wordless Wednesday: The cats brought Pepper an Easter present

See? An egg. Fresh, too. Sweet of them.

Ohmygod ohmygod

Best Books of the Year 2006

I was looking on the RRT main site and saw all these awesome books had been awarded Best Book of the Year, and didn't think to check RRTErotic. And then I did, and I'm there. Twice. (I actually missed the second one first time around. I'm having a blond moment. No, month!) Never Leave Me won Best Erotic Novella and Almost Human won Best Erotic Fantasy Romance.

And you know what? I JUST sent out my newsletter, and then I JUST sent out an addendum because I forgot to include something, and this is the biggest news I have! D'oh!

April news now online

Yepyep, my April newsletter is now available on both my websites, CatMarsters.com and KateJohnson.co.uk. You can also have the newsletter delivered to you (sadly pictureless) by subscribing to my Yahoo group.

This month, I'm interviewing the fabulous Lexxie Couper, talking to Jane Lovering about her menagerie of pets, and highlighting one of my all-time favourite crushes, James Marsters. There's also a puppy picture and a blonde joke. What more could you want?

Thursday Thirteen: things that make me happy

Thirteen things making me happy today (Yes, I know, unusually cheerful for a cranky cow like me. But everything else I thought of was miserable, and Amelia has already baggsed Thirteen Mandarin Insults) 1. Watching my cats behave like kittens. Especially Spike, when he gets that cheeky look in his eye, then attacks his catnip ball and rolls around on the floor wrestling with it. 2. The new series of Doctor Who. David Tennant rocketing around the universe being cheerfully insane, how can that not make you smile? 3. That, and I'm going to quote directly from Caitlin Moran here, "a show about a 900-year-old pacifist with a magic screwdriver, whose biggest enemy is a set of giant, fatal pepperpots...a children's sci-fi show, made on what amounts to a minuscule budget, in Wales, by gays, should be one of the defining programmes of the 21st century, is just the kind of thing that makes Britain great." It's completely bonkers. I love it! 4. It's sunny. I know, it's cheating. So what? 5. A week tomorrow we're going to pick up Pepper! (and put the puppy properly in her pen). 6. Helping my brother fix his phone and being called a genius for it. 7. Then, five seconds later, having to go up and down the stairs twice because I'd forgotten this list. And then the paper for the Caitlin Moran quote. I like being stupid. I have no idea why. 8. The new cover for Ugley Business which I got sent this morning. I'm not sure if it's final and approved yet, but the second it is I shall be plastering it everywhere because it's gorgeous. And it's purple! 9. Thinking up ways to screw eighteen generations of PayPal's ancestors (I'm modifying one of Amelia's Mandarin insults here) for refusing to recognise that someone defrauded my account to the tune of £1,200. There will be pain. Lots of pain. 10. The red, suede-trimmed, be-ribboned ballet slippers I bought yesterday. For four pounds. 11. Print release dates for the first three Sophie books. Like the cover, they're not definite yet, but I'm happy to have them. 12. That I've managed to think of 12 other reasons to be cheerful. And that I'm cheating now. I do like to cheat a little every now and then. 13. That I've finished the book I was on deadline for; done the edits I had to have finished by yesterday; and got my Stroke of Midnight contest entries back on time and am, therefore, unburdened by deadlines for the present moment!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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