A hymn to him

By Spike, with a nod to Alan Jay Lerner

Why can't a dog be more like a cat?
Cats are so handsome, so thoroughly wise;
Eternally noble, with beautiful eyes
Who doesn’t bark, and seldom bites; now that’s a cat.
Why can't a dog be like that?

Why does every one do what the others do?
Can't a puppy learn to use its head?
Why do they do everything you don’t want them to?
Why don't they grow up, well, like a kitten instead?

Why can't a puppy take after a cat?
Cats are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.

Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Would you be livid if I forgot a walk or two?
Would you be wounded if I stopped you from eating flowers?
Well, why can't a dog be like you?

One cat in a million may scratch a bit.
Now and then, there's one with slight defects.
One perhaps whose loyalty you doubt a bit,
But by and large we are a marvellous pet!

Why can't a dog take after a cat?
Cats are affectionate, well-mannered and kind.
A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner would you fret?
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Would you complain if I fussed over someone else’s pet?
Why can't a dog be like us?

Why can't a dog be more like a cat?
Cats are so charming, so pretty and soft;
Ready to comfort you whenever you’re lost;
Never ask for anything, and we never whine.
Why can't a dog be that fine?

Why is thinking something that dogs never do?
And why is logic never even tried?
Making a big mess is all they ever do.
I suppose it matches all the mess that's inside?

Why can't a dog behave like a cat?
If I was a dog who'd been for a walk,
Been hailed as a poppet by all who could talk;
Would I pee everywhere like a bathtub overflowing,
Or keep on barking at things that live up trees?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a dog, well, be like me?

Stuff

I came home from the cinema and my brother said, "Bad news." My nannan died earlier in the evening. Not a huge shock, since we'd been prepared implicitly for months--years even--and explicitly for weeks, but still. Sad.

But you know what? The shameful, awful thing is when Rich said, "Bad news," my immediate thought was, Dear God, don't let it be Spike.

Now of course, we have the whole funeral minefield to get through. For starters, my cousin turns 17 on Wednesday, which is when the funeral probably would have been (I really hope no one's callous enough to organise it for then: she's one of only six grandchildren, it can be avoided). And then the whole wonderful saga of my mum and her sister, who don't talk. It's my mum's mum who died, so the whole thing really isn't avoidable.

Then as detailed below, we have to figure out how the fuck you organise and attend a funeral 160 miles away when you have a boisterous 12 month old puppy. It's too big an ask to have a friend take care of her, and kennels aren't an option. I found a hotel that will apparently accept dogs, but will they be happy to have her alone in the room for hours and hours? Can you take a dog to a funeral? I don't think so. Although people take babies and they're even more disruptive.

Hell, she'd certainly cheer things up at the wake.

Spike, incidentally, is enjoying his birthday, and probably won't go back to eating the regular expensive food, now he's had a taste of the super-duper expensive stuff. Pampered? Naah. We just treat him the same as any other god-king.

Names names damned dames

Okay, so I'm getting frustrated. Kett's story has had, like, ten names in the last week, and none of them fit. The working title, for a long time, was Almost Magic, being that it's a sequel to Almost Human. But that's not quite right, and besides, it locks me into Almost titles for any future books. Plus it's ripe for ridicule.

I considered riffing on the Human part of the title, too--I once translated a bunch of my titles into Spanish and Italian and back again, via the Internet, and got Approximately Human back, which I loved. But the thing about that is that a) most of the titles I came up with were rubbish and b) after a while it's hard to remember which book is which ("It had Human in the title, that's all I remember...").

Hard to come up with a title that conveys that the book: is set in a fantasy universe; has characters who speak like modern people; has a heroine who is in her thirties, jaded, scarred and bitter; has a hero who is, basically, a complete lunatic; runs on very vague Taming of the Shrew lines; is full of sex; is full of bad language; is funny (I hope); and may have sequels.

Y'see?

Anyway. Today is my baby boy's birthday (they all come at once, don't they?), so here's a picture of him, doing his flower-in-the-mud bit. I was leaning out of the bathroom window when I took this, as said window is Spike's preferred portal for entry and exit of his house (since the Demon Puppy inhabits the kitchen, where his own cat-sized door is), and he was debating whether or not to come in for his special pampered-cat birthday treats (very hard to treat a cat who already eats the best food on the market and has his very own chair by the radiator for napping on). Hence the moss, the facecloth (unwisely left on the windowsill, and rather difficult to retrieve) and, just out of shot, the dead mouse. Lovely.

All together now: awwww.

Happy birthday Pepper!

The Demon Puppy is no more...she's officially the Demon Dog today, her first birthday. See how my tiny baby grew up?




Yesterday was mother's Day here (early because Easter is getting in the way). I got Mum a card with a tiny black puppy on it, not unlike Pepper in that first picture, and stuck a photo of Spike being gorgeous inside (it's hard to find a picture of him being gorgeous. I mean...it's hard to pick one!). The new look she's working is the Bark Stop collar--for the dog in love with the sound of her own voice. It makes a high-pitched bleep when she barks, which is supposed to stop her barking. Personally, I reckon she's barking at the bleep, but we'll see if things improve.

Why I love bring British

God, I love this country. I'm reading about Prince Harry being brought home and going, "Bah, he's a soldier, of course it's unsafe!", and then I get to the line, Chief of the Defence Staff, Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup. Jock Stirrup? Why didn't they just call him Holden McGroin and have done with it??

That's it, really, for today. At least until I remember what I did with the Bill Bryson book that has all those really, really silly names in it...

(Oh, and yesterday they showed an interview from just before Harry was sent out and the reporter asked, "Have you told your grandmother you're going?" He replied, "Well, actually, she told me." That just made me crack up. Anybody else? No? Okay then)

Dogs on holiday

You know what isn't easy? Finding a hotel that will accept dogs. And won't cost a year's wages (and we're talking my dad's wages, since he's paying for it).

This year is a...significant birthday for both the parentals, and they're both organising secret celebrations for the other. Mum has booked a holiday for Dad's birthday, but that's not hard to do: so long as there's a beach and the potential to walk for miles, plus a nice pub or two, he's happy. He spends half his time in hotels so he prefers self-catering holidays (besides, he doesn't cook).

Mum's requirements however, are...more difficult.

Very sweetly, she's requested the presence of both my brother and I for whatever goes down. She likes hotels, since she doesn't stay in them very often and always ends up doing all the work in a self-catering cottage (her words: I seem to remember Dad washing up and paying for meals out, and I help with cooking, but whatever). It's also got to be in this country, since she hates boats and airports, and the idea of the Channel Tunnel spooks her out (bloody island living). The thing is, if bro and I both go, that means there's no one to take care of the Demon Puppy. This is no problem when booking a cottage, since quite a lot of places take dogs. Hotels, however?

Finding a hotel in the right place, that's nice enough to be a special occasion treat, that doesn't cost a fortune, is hard enough. Then tell them you want to bring a sweet, small, well-behaved little dog (and try to keep a straight face), and you can reduce the results by about 95%.

I did find one gorgeous place, absolutely perfect. So perfect, it's fully booked. Rats.

Here Kitty Kitty is released today!

The latest in the Sundown Investigations series (this is my Cat Marsters hat, you understand). Wow, can you believe I've written twelve of these?

Nathan and Wolfe always fought like cats and dogs -- because that's what they are. But there are some things that test even the loyalty of a werewolf, and now the ruthless jaguar shifter is Wolfe's number one enemy.

Newly bitten by a shifter, Kat's trying to juggle student life in a strange city with turning into a big cat once a month. If that's not enough, she's in heat, and the fever is only soothed by the darkly handsome Wolfe, who's more than happy to satisfy her mating needs.

But someone else is chasing Kat: the wickedly sensual Nathan, seducing his way across continents to find her. Does he really want to help Kat, or is he just out for revenge against his former partner? And when he catches her, Kat's going to have to decide whether she wants the loyal Wolfe or the insanely exciting Nathan.

Or is it possible for her to have both?

Warning, this title features menage and same-sex scenes. There is a lot of naughtiness, some terrible puns, and verbal drooling over hot men.

Don't forget, you can still enter my contest to win a free download of Here Kitty Kitty! Details below...

Win a download of Here Kitty Kitty

Yep, I'm offering a free PDF download of my newest Cat Marsters title, Here Kitty Kitty, to one lucky winner. All you gotta do is answer one simple question.

Nathan shifts into an animal that gave its name to a kind of car. What animal is it?

Email me with your answer before Saturday (24th Feb) and maybe you'll get lucky! (No wait, Get Lucky was my last release. You'll get Here Kitty Kitty). Mark your answer Here Kitty Kitty. Good luck!

PS: need a hint? You can find the answer on my website.

My Valentine's Day, by Kate Johnson, aged...

Aged 11. Boys are icky. Urgh, I don't want a Valentine from them.
Aged 12. Wonder if any of the cute boys in my class will send me a card?
Aged 13. Why aren't there any cute boys in my class?
Aged 14. No, seriously.
Aged 15. So boys in general aren't icky, but all the ones I know in the specific are. Which is why none of them have sent me a card.
Aged 16. Who wants a Valentine's card anyway? It's all stupid crass commercialism.
Aged 17. Maybe if I cut my hair and lost a few pounds I'd get a card.
Aged 18. Or how about highlights?
Aged 19. Who cares about Valentine's cards? I'm so fabulous now I'm probably scaring them all away.
Aged 20. Why did I have to scare them all away? Valentine's Day sucks.
Aged 21. And there are all these smug couples being smug. Why would I celebrate a day devoted to smugness?
Aged 22. I'm going to spend the day with someone who does love me: the cat.
Aged 23. The cat died. On Valentine's Day. Did I not say this day sucked enough?
Aged 24. Success, a card! Shame I absolutely don't fancy him.
Aged 25. This year I'm absolutely not getting my hopes up.
Maybe.

Johnny Depp and Pierce Brosnan make Romantic Novelists’ hearts throb

New from the RNA (my bits are in red). And just to prove the polls are accurate, three of these have been my heroes. I mean...in books. Dammit.


Johnny Depp and Pierce Brosnan make Romantic Novelists’ hearts throb

Members of the Romantic Novelists’ Association have voted Johnny Depp as the
Number One Perfect Romantic Hero in a poll to mark Valentine’s Day.
According to these authors, a romantic hero should be gorgeous, deliciously
sexy, intensely masculine and have a commanding presence.

‘We should be qualified to judge,’ one writer commented. ‘After all, we
create these heroes on paper every day.’

The top ten male celebrities voted the Perfect Romantic Hero were:

1. Johnny Depp

2. Daniel Craig

3. Sean Bean

4. Richard Armitage (Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Not only did I base Harker on him {I'm going all Pygmalion here, aren't I?}but also Wolfe, in next week's release Here Kitty Kitty)


5. Hugh Jackman (who inspired both Dark in Almost Human and Adam in Drive Me Daisy)


6. Colin Firth

7. Alan Rickman

8. Pierce Brosnan

9. George Clooney

10. David Tennant (again, yes! DT was the basis for Finn, who was the hero of Duty and the Beast but also popped up in many a sequel, since I couldn't quite let him go)


A second poll, taken by members of the RNA bravely admitting to being ‘over
a certain age’, voted for male celebrities over fifty who’ve ‘still got it’.
Remarkable for his appearance on both polls, Pierce Brosnan took the crown
for the over fifties by a huge margin.

The top ten Over-Fifty Perfect Romantic Heroes were:

1. Pierce Brosnan

2. Harrison Ford

3. Ranulph Fiennes

4. Bill Nighy

5. Liam Neeson

6. Sam Neill

7. Sean Connery

8. Peter O’Toole

9. Clint Eastwood

10. Omar Sharif

The likeable ex

My musings on this subject can be found on the Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Books site. A while ago, I emailed SB Sarah to gripe that all the ex-girlfriends (and boyfriends) I'd been reading were all cookie-cutter gorgeous, evil bitches, hated instantly by the heroine. Usually, hated because she was gorgeous, which is the sort of petty, immature reaction I hate in a character (yes, we're all jealous of the beautiful people, but to make the decision that beautiful = evil without even exchanging words with the goddess in question is unacceptable, either in real life or fiction).

Sarah, I begged, do you or the Bitchery know any sane, well-adjusted exes? Are there any beautiful love-rivals who aren't evil? Are our heroes and heroines really so stupid that they'll fall for someone with a heart of pure evil just because it's topped by a pretty face?

I got some interesting answers...

Red Carpet party

No, it's not to do with the Oscars or the Baftas (I do love a good 'what the hell was she wearing' session after those, though), but with the romance novel awards season, unsurprisingly timed to coincide with Valentine's Day.


To come to the Changeling party and read excerpts from the nominated books, just join the Changeling Press readers loop.

Cat hit by mouse

No, really.

It's his own fault (I was going to take a picture of the mouse teetering on the edge, his paw on the wire, but as I hit the button he actually pulled it down on himself).

It's a good job he's pretty.