A hymn to him

By Spike, with a nod to Alan Jay Lerner

Why can't a dog be more like a cat?
Cats are so handsome, so thoroughly wise;
Eternally noble, with beautiful eyes
Who doesn’t bark, and seldom bites; now that’s a cat.
Why can't a dog be like that?

Why does every one do what the others do?
Can't a puppy learn to use its head?
Why do they do everything you don’t want them to?
Why don't they grow up, well, like a kitten instead?

Why can't a puppy take after a cat?
Cats are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.

Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Would you be livid if I forgot a walk or two?
Would you be wounded if I stopped you from eating flowers?
Well, why can't a dog be like you?

One cat in a million may scratch a bit.
Now and then, there's one with slight defects.
One perhaps whose loyalty you doubt a bit,
But by and large we are a marvellous pet!

Why can't a dog take after a cat?
Cats are affectionate, well-mannered and kind.
A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner would you fret?
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Would you complain if I fussed over someone else’s pet?
Why can't a dog be like us?

Why can't a dog be more like a cat?
Cats are so charming, so pretty and soft;
Ready to comfort you whenever you’re lost;
Never ask for anything, and we never whine.
Why can't a dog be that fine?

Why is thinking something that dogs never do?
And why is logic never even tried?
Making a big mess is all they ever do.
I suppose it matches all the mess that's inside?

Why can't a dog behave like a cat?
If I was a dog who'd been for a walk,
Been hailed as a poppet by all who could talk;
Would I pee everywhere like a bathtub overflowing,
Or keep on barking at things that live up trees?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a dog, well, be like me?