The secret diary of Spike, aged 5 3/4

It's been a season of upheaval here, even worse than it was when I was four, and the humans decided to have half the house torn down and rebuilt, which resulted in a lot of noise from the builders and even more from the Demon Puppy.

I have seen many changes in my nearly six years, such as the terrible, terrible day five years ago when the Demon Puppy was first brought home. I still haven't forgiven the humans for that, although Younger Female confides that she and I are of the same mind on this. I weathered the loss of my very silly, but very loveable sister, Sugar, and the arrival of the Young Pretenders, Jack and Daisy.

Then there was the Stray, who came to us as a skinny little waif the humans immediately fawned over, but I wasn't fooled. It wasn't long before the Stray got comfortable in my house and started eating everyone else's food and scratching all the humans. And yet still they let her stay! I don't understand these creatures. I mean, she's nowhere near as cute as me. Pretty enough, I suppose, if you like that sort of thing.

Anyway, I have cultivated my air of aloofness to the point where I can be in the same room as up to two more cats, and maintain the fiction that they don't exist. For some reason the humans think this is funny. I don't care, so long as they're generous with the snacks. Which, lucky for them, they are.

But lately disturbing events have transpired. Younger Male has returned to the house, with his Female. I do not mind this, as they at least recognise my magnificence, and brought me presents at the Tree Festival. But disaster has struck. They brought with them--I can hardly say it--another dog.

It's a disaster. Disaster. Temporary Dog is only my size, but he yaps and chases me. I Do Not Like This. Even worse, Demon Puppy has taken to defending me against him, as if I can't do it myself. Does she think I'm part of her pack? I'm a cat! I'm THE cat! And now the humans praise her for defending me (see above re: self defence. Why do they think I've got these claws?), which means that as soon as she hears me come in, she chases Temporary Dog. Even if he's not actually chasing me.

Still, I'm told he won't be here long. Younger Male and his Female are moving out soon, which of course is a shame since there will be fewer humans to worship me, but then again I hear dark whispers of an event that would put the arrival of the Temporary Dog in the shade. The humans seem delighted with the news, but I'm declaring here and now that if Younger Male and his Female bring their human kitten into my house, I'm leaving home.

Still, we must look on the bright side. Since it's winter, I'm looking especially magnificent. And how could anybody be upset for long when they look like this?