Thirteen quotes from Ugley Business 1. “So what is he, Soph?” I sighed. Beats me. My partner. My mentor. My lover. But not, for some indefinable reason, my boyfriend. “He’s just Luke,” I said. Sophie on the man her best friend has just caught her in bed with. 2. “He’s a bastard,” I said to myself as I switched the water off and pushed back the shower curtain. “He’s a sexy, irresistible bastard.” Then I nearly had a heart attack, because a voice replied, “That’s very nice of you to say, but you don’t really know me all that well yet.” Enter: Docherty. 3. “You talk to your car a lot?” Harvey asked. “She talks to it more than me,” Luke said. “That’s because I like it more than you,” I replied. Getting her priorities straight. 4. “We can watch films and eat ice cream and stuff.” “Can we do face masks and talk about orgasms?” “We can do better than talk about them,” Luke said silkily. Luke demonstrating why being a bastard isn’t such a huge problem in their relationship. 5. “Well,” Maria said eventually. “Bugger me.” Macbeth looked her up and down thoughtfully. A life in the day of SO17. 6. An Aston. A Bond car. A machine so beautiful I’d have given Luke up for it. I wanted that car. I lusted after it. I wanted to have its babies. Sophie on cars (1). 7. I pulled out my SIG and aimed it at him. “No,” I said. “I will not drive. I don’t know how much you know about guns but this here is a nine millimetre and it will kill you if I pull the trigger. And I’ve just split up with the best sex I’ve ever had and am ever likely to have, so I am not in a good mood. And I hate to sound like a man but,” I ran my eyes over his revolver, “mine’s bigger than yours.” Sophie on bad days. 8. I’m not afraid. That is to say, I’m not afraid to say that I was absolutely bloody terrified. Sophie on honesty (1). 9. “Everyone wants a bit of Irish in them,” Docherty said, with a meaningfully penetrating stare at me that made—I swear—even my hair blush. Docherty giving it straight. 10. I mean, when you think of government agents you generally think of people slightly more suave than me. Actually, Norma Jean would be more suave than me, and she wears a flea collar. Sophie on honesty (2). 11. “You look hot.” “Hot as in sweaty and exhausted, or hot as in—” “Hot as in,” Luke said, smiling lazily. “Although I could make it sweaty and exhausted, if you want.” Luke reiterating why bastardness is an unimportant factor. 12. Well, I should do sit-ups. I never have. Lately Luke and I have been burning off a lot of calories…and you didn’t want to hear that. Okay. Sophie on honesty (3). 13. I, like Ted, operate on a rather larger chassis, come from solid, unpretentious stock, look like a lick of paint would do me some good and never fail to save the day. Well, actually, I’ve only ever saved the day once, but the day has only been in danger once while I’ve been around to save it. Sophie on cars (2). Ugley Business is released from Samhain Publishing on Tuesday!

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