The secret diary of Spike, aged 18 months

No, not that Spike. He's brilliant, but even he couldn't hold a pen at 18 months. Although neither could my Spike, lacking the obvious digits to do so. Well, anyway. Here are his musings.


Am making the most of the warmer weather by spending as much time out of doors, surveying my territory, before winter comes. Actually, am taking the opportunity to get out of the house where the Demon Puppy dwells. Cannot understand why Humans felt the need to acquire this animal. It is noisy, smelly, and very stupid. Although the Humans are stupid too, because they complain when the Demon Puppy leaves puddles on the floor, yet they haven't given it a litter tray. I understood how to use a litter tray when I was very tiny, and then I was given my own little door. The Demon Puppy attempts to use my door; however, it is far too big and clumsy to get through. I sit in the little safe box Young Female put around my door, and laugh at it.

I wonder if it was the Demon Puppy who drove my sister away? I haven't seen her in three weeks. Young Female says I'm not allowed to go where she went, and that I must stay with her until I'm a very old man, at least as old as the Old Cat who was here when I was very small. I don't remember him much, except as a bony old thing who grumbled when we tried to get him to play. He went away too: I wonder if he left because he didn't like us?

No. Not possible. Who couldn't love this magificent beast?

The Demon Puppy is also a theif. Young Female places my food outside the Demon Puppy's area, but quite often Old Male leaves the gate open and Demon Puppy escapes and eats my food. My food! I don't eat its food (why would I, it's disgusting). It is very annoying. I need that food to keep this magnificent body in shape.

I like Young Female. She has an annoying habit of picking me up and cuddling me in front of people, and I have to pretend to protest, because I am a manly cat--see, I have a manly name!--and it isn't very manly to enjoy cuddles with your mummy, but secretly I do. She calls me her Gorgeous Boy, and a beautiful cat, which of course is only right (even though I'm not sure it's manly to be called 'beautiful'). The other Humans must realise how very magnificent I am, but they don't say it as often. I protest at this in public, but then go and allow Young Female to cuddle me when I sleep on her bed. It is very soft, and so is she. She says she wishes she knew a Human Male like me, which is a stupid thing to say, as he could only be inferior. She couldn't pick him up for cuddles for one thing.