There are...no words...

This is an actual drinks can I saw in an actual shop. (picture's terrible as it's from my phone and I was laughing too hard to steady it). Yes, it does appear to be a drink named Pussy. I, er, am not sure how to caption it.

Meankitty Interview

Today I am being interviewed by Meankitty on her blog. Well, I say 'I'. Actually it's Spike. He's surprisingly eloquent for a three year old.

A three year old who purrs.

Just messing around

Firstly, by creating silly Facebook quizzes. Secondly, by picking one of these leaflets up from Tescos (they do tourism info now? Who knew!)


I used to drive past this place on the way to a friend's house. Secret. Nuclear. Bunker. This Way. I can't express how much I love that.

And I can't possibly comment on the Biggest and Deepest in Essex part. Nope, not me. Nor the phallic mushroom cloud. Not a word...

I've been Fanficced!

Ah, I've waited so long for this day. However...

...what's been fanficced is Widget Bones. Yes, the mad giggly Dark Hunter parody Amelia Elias and I wrote over Instant Messenger, possibly while slightly tipsy. The mad parody someone sent to Sherrilyn Kenyon. Sherrilyn Kenyon, author of the Dark Hunter books. Who liked it. And put it in the Dark Hunter Companion.

That this is the most widely-read thing I've ever written, and the only thing anyone's ever taken the time to 'fic is just...weird!

Wait! It's April Fools Day today! Is it a joke? Well, that's how Widget started out; what's a joke on a joke called?

Stars, swords, and fake Kate Winslet

Well, I'm back from Center Parcs, and to a massive great big shiny dollop of lovely news: the first review for After The Fall is a Gold Star Award from JERR! I'm so happy, because I really loved this story, and practically nobody bought it, but at least now I know someone other than me and my editor liked it!

Now, to celebrate, I'm going to post lots of holiday pictures. I know, I'm just too kind. My friend Alysia was determined to photodiary every minute of the trip, starting with (and I'm not kidding) a picture of the cat boot as we loaded it up. Thankfully, the rest of the pictures were a bit more interesting!

The lovely woodlands outside our villa.

One of the many lakes. As you can see, we had glorious weather.

The Three Musketeers (I'm the one in the middle, having a bad hair day). Foil Fencing was so amazingly fun--and amazingly hard work too! Aside from the mask and the glove, there was that sexy blue body protector, which was dense enough to stop the point of a foil, and so definitely dense enough to make me pretty damn hot. And under that, an even sexier plastic bra type thing, because even with the body protector there are certain bits that need more protection! By the end, we were all roasting hot, but learning to stab someone with a sword was definitely worth it.

Silliness abounded, especially on the 'Wreck of the Walrus' play type thing by the crazy golf course.

This was directly after fencing. See what a natural I am? I can even fence with a golf club!

"I'm on top of the world!"
"No, I'm on top of the world, you're Kate Winslet."
"Oh, okay then. I'm flying!"
"Better. Although you do know this isn't a real ship, don't you?"

"Land ho!"
"Who're you calling a ho?"

This is me, apparently getting very excited about making tea.

We had our own sauna. I really miss the sauna!

This is Trevor the Squirrel (Alysia named him, in case you're wondering). After posing pathetically outside the patio doors, we let him in...and see what happened...





After a while, Trevor just wandered in when he felt like it, and took monkey nuts out of the packet.

The girls decorated the place for my birthday, and although you can't really see it very well here, the candles on the cake each burned with a different coloured flame, which is ridiculously neat.

My parents came up on the day for my birthday. See how the wrapping was all coordinated, even down to the butterfly motifs? Love that, Mum!

Archery, or perhaps me trying to be Susan from the Narnia films (mostly in the hope that Prince Caspian will turn up, because, yum). Unfortunately, despite this not being the first time I've tried archery, there's one thing I always forget to do. Well, okay, there are two. The first is that I always forget to be any good at it. The second is that while I'm trying to remember to be good, I forget to keep my arm flexed, and therefore the bowstring thwacks my inner arm at somewhere between 40-110 mph.

See? It was originally a lot more purple.

(It's actually surprisingly hard to take a picture of your inner arm).

Isn't this adorable?

Courtesy of the Smart Bitches, a really sweet short film, almost like a silent movie.

Silly names

Hmm, funny Blogger quirk there. I wrote this post a few weeks ago, saved it to publish later, published it today....and it's been slotted into the archives for the date I wrote it. Not helpful!

1.YOUR REAL NAME
Kate Elizabeth Johnson. AKA Cat Marsters

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Um, they don't have them. So I'd be " " " ".

3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Maurice Harry

4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first
name)
Johka
or Marca

5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Cat

6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, county where you were born)
Elizabeth West Yorkshire

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Pink Coffee

8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Kaon
or Cars (hee!)

9.ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)
Spike St John
or Daisy St John
or Jack St John
or Pepper St John

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Jenny Campion
or Tinkerbell Campion
or Willow Campion

11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Katizzle
or Catizzle

12.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first
two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three
letters of your last name)
Ahelteson
or Arelaters

13.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Demon Puppy

14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume, fav candy)
Rose Chocolate


Is it weird that I totally LOVE 'Black Demon Puppy'? I'm so going to have to use that. Plus, I'm aching to write a rockstar called Spike St John. Would he be as gorgeous as his namesake?

Silly names

1.YOUR REAL NAME
Kate Elizabeth Johnson. AKA Cat Marsters

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Um, they don't have them. So I'd be " " " ".

3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Maurice Harry

4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first
name)
Johka
or Marca

5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Cat

6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, county where you were born)
Elizabeth West Yorkshire

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Pink Coffee

8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Kaon
or Cars (hee!)

9.ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)
Spike St John
or Daisy St John
or Jack St John
or Pepper St John

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Jenny Campion
or Tinkerbell Campion
or Willow Campion

11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Katizzle
or Catizzle

12.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first
two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three
letters of your last name)
Ahelteson
or Arelaters

13.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Demon Puppy

14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume, fav candy)
Rose Chocolate


Is it weird that I totally LOVE 'Black Demon Puppy'? I'm so going to have to use that. Plus, I'm aching to write a rockstar called Spike St John. Would he be as gorgeous as his namesake?

Five ridiculous questions

I got this from Imogen Howson...it's sort of the opposite of those memes where you tag people and they don't respond. If you want to take part, you volunteer! I did, mostly because I like talking about myself. Which you can tell, because why else would I have a blog?

1. If you go on a date or to a party, would you rather the other person/people talks only about themselves and doesn't show any interest at all in you, or doesn't talk at all about themselves and is only interested in finding out about you?

Well, both are kind of dull. Why would you not want to talk about yourself? Are you really that boring? Actually I went on a few dates with someone who'd obviously been advised not to talk about himself. Result? After three dates I was bored of talking about myself, and still knew nothing about him. We didn't go on any more dates after that. But on the other hand...I suppose you'd have to be a really fascinating person to get away with talking about yourself all the time!

2. If you had to live in a fictional world, which would you choose? (Historical settings, like Georgette Heyer's Regency, count as fictional.)

Ooh! Ooh! I can't choose! While I love reading/watching historical fiction, I reckon I wouldn't actually like to live there. No Internet or hot showers. That said, Discworld has neither, and I wouldn't mind giving that a try.

3. If you had to choose one of these ways to die, would you choose to be squeezed by an anaconda, mauled by a lion or eaten by a great white shark?

Zoicks. Well, I'm not sure but I think a lot of big cats kill their prey fairly quickly, whereas if you get on the wrong side of a shark it could just lop off a limb. And I wouldn't like to be squeezed to death (all that eyeball popping, very messy). And I'd rather feed a cat than a fish or a snake. So, lion please.

4. If you were a god or goddess, which one would you be?

Can I make one up or do I have to pick one? How about Annoia, the goddess of things stuck in drawers? Yes, Pratchett again. Probably not an ancient goddess, they're a bit like squabbling schoolchildren. Although they had fabulous hair. Maybe Bastet, sticking with the cat thing. Or Freya, Norse goddess of love, whose chariot was drawn by cats. Presumably in whichever direction they fancied at the time.

5. If you had to eat only three types of food for the rest of your life, and if nutrition/calories weren't an issue, which would they be?

Does potato count as a type? It makes so many of my favourite things: chips, crisps, mash, jackets...mmm... that and chocolate, and maybe wine. Or cupcakes. Tough call.


If you want to be part of the interview fun, follow the instructions below:

1. Post ‘interview me’ in the comments. I’ll take the first 5 people who post. I’ll choose questions just for you (no, they won’t be the same ones I was asked).

2. Be sure to include your email address so that I can send you the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the questions and your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will get to ask them five questions.

10 things beginning with K

One of those Facebook memes, and I'm bored. Not actually going to tag anybody because I can't really be bothered harassing anyone else to do it, but if you want to give it a try, feel free. And before you do, check out the Narnian scenes from yesterday, when we walked the Demon Puppy round the fields and the nature reserve:




Now for 20 things beginning with K:

1. What is your name: Kate
2. A four letter word: Kohl
3. A boy's name: Keith (cheating: this is my dad. Sometimes I open his mail...)
4. A girl's name: Karen
5. An occupation: Kamikaze pilot
6. A color: ...Khaki (thanks Mum!)
7. Something you wear: Knickers
9. A food: Kale (I think? A type of cabbage?)
10. Something found in the bathroom: Knot (of hair? Gimme a break)
11. A place: Khabarovsck
12. A reason for being late: Kinky sex
13. Something you shout: Kids!
14. A movie title: Kalifornia
15. Something you drink: Khalua
16. A musical group: The Killers
17. An animal: Kangaroo
18. A street name: King's Road
19. A type of car: Kangoo (Yes, it is: one of those mad Renaults)
20. The title of a song: Kiss Me

The one that defeated me was colour... clearly I had help there. You know, a lot of languages don't even have K in their alphabet!

If you want to pass this on, here are the original 'rules': It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real... nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

The name game

This is so much fun I really ought to do it more often. Someone sent me a list of movie titles that had been altered for foreign audiences, and then translated back into English (my favourites? In France, The Matrix is called The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses. How French is that, to pick up on the sunglasses?)

So, with the help of Babelfish and Google, I translated some of my titles into a foreign language, then back again. I did this a few years ago, with European languages (Almost Human became Approximately Human, which killed me), so this time I've chosen Chinese. Enjoy.

Duty and the Beast, or, And the responsibility of the Beast

Here Kitty Kitty, or, Here Kitty Hawk aircraft carrier

Room Service, or, Meals on Wheels

Baby Sham Faery Love (okay, that's a weird one anyway), or, Fake baby fairy tale of love

What Wizards Want, or, What would guide

Spaceport: Incognito, or, Air base: With fictitious name

Spaceport: Courtesan, or, Air base: Higher prostitute

I've just discovered Dr. Horrible

I'm amazed that with my abiding love of all things Joss Whedon I managed to miss this! Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog is a musical blog webcast thingy with a lovelorn wannabe supervillain, and Nathan Fillion as an egocentric singing superhero.

What's not to love?



(If that site is down, which it apparently often is due to the sheer volume of people wanting to share the Horribleness, try here).

Episodes--oops, I mean Acts--Two and Three will be shown 17th and 19th July, and taken down 20th July. Don't forget to read the Master Plan, it's hi-larious!

I've been tagged!

a. Link to the person who tagged you, which in my case is Emma Ray Garrett.

b. Post the rules on your blog.

c. Write six random things about yourself.

1. I write and draw with my left hand. Everything else, I do right-handed. Except for sports, which I can't do with either hand.
2. I'm not dyslexic, but I have great problems with left/right and east/west, and I also sometimes mix up words when I speak. Coping mechanisms have included everything from checking the L and R on the soles of my ballet slippers when I was four, to feeling for the callus on my left middle finger where I hold a pen, making an L sign with the finger and thumb of my left hand, and visualising a map of the UK, where I live in East Anglia at one side of the country, so I know which way is east and which is west.
3. I'm really cranky today because I have monster toothache, coupled with either a cold or hayfever. I got woken up at five, then six, by the Demon Puppy barking at someone walking past the house, then at seven by my neighbour's car alarm, which has been going off sporadically for two days (but never, of course, when they're at home).
4. I've just finished a book I started writing in 2005. I intended it as a sequel to Almost Human, but whenever I tried to get stuck into it, something else--another book under contract, a holiday, a family crisis, whatever--kept getting in the way.
5. I was born on St Patrick's Day. Because of this--and the useful fact of having an Irish great-grandfather--I never have to buy a drink on my birthday. Ever. So long as I'm drinking Guinness.
6. Tomorrow I'm going away for a week with my family, because it's my mum's birthday on Sunday--a Significant Birthday--and she challenged my dad to surprise her. My dad came up with a few ideas, I told him why they wouldn't work, and we came up with a plan between us. Since Mum's requirements were for four adults and a dog, but no self-catering, it wasn't easy. But it should be fun. If my tooth stops hurting.

d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
Okay, Emma Ray got a load of the ones I'd tag, and I don't read many blogs of people I know well enough to tag! So... I'm breaking the rules, and just tagging Stacia D Kelly, who is always so fulsome in her praise, and Julie Cohen, who just sold a mad space-romp to Samhain who I decided not to tag since she's recently bereaved and I didn't want to bother her. So...that's just one person, then. Well, I'm a born rule-breaker, baby.

e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.

f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Emma Ray? I posted!

A week or two ago I posted some brilliant examples of reimagined speeches, done in a Shakespeare style. Well, being the odd creature I am, I had to give it ago. Here's one of my favourite speeches (and the run-up to it) from Buffy. In places I hardly needed to change anything, which just shows you what a genius Joss Whedon really is.

Chosen Act III Scene 1

Spike We can take it back. Nay?

Buffy Nay.

Spike What sayest thou, nay?

Thou meanst ‘eventually’?

Buffy You have ever misunderstood that word.

Spike You can regain them.

Buffy Can, mayhap. Should? I am so tired.

Spike They need you.

Buffy Yea, but—

Spike ‘Tis chaos without you.

Buffy Is’t so?

Spike Aye! Aye, ‘tis. All is rank;

Bedrolls are spoiled, they all are frightened

And mean-apparelled.

Buffy Most dire.

Spike I saw little. I came to the house,

Fought with Faith, and went.

Buffy Didst thou? ‘Tis not

That I am not glad, and yet—

Spike Bid me do it, and she shall be

But a footnote in history. I will make it seem

As a painéd accident.

Buffy This is ever my sorrow. I bid,

And each time, someone dies.

Spike There are casualties in every war.

Buffy Casualties. It is too casual a word.

These girls have been slain. I am the Slayer

And I have slain my connection to them.

‘Tis my fault: connections are ever severed by me.

As you should know.

Spike ‘Tis in my recollection

We connected.

Buffy Ha!

We were never close. You wanted only

What you could not attain

Spike Is’t all you think?

Buffy Let us not go over the past.

Spike Nay, let us. I shall go over it.

I have hummed to your tune of pity

Now ‘tis my turn to sing.

Buffy Then sing, and cheer me.

Spike Thou art insufferable.

Buffy My thankings for thy help.

Spike I do not wish to cheer you—

Buffy Then what sayest thou?

Spike When I have said it, I shall know.

Thou made me angry. ‘Could not attain’,

Aye, that’s the rub.

Buffy Then I am attainable.

The pinnacle of attainment I shall be.

May I now sleep?

Spike Listen thou to me.

I have been alive longer than you

Aye, and dead longer than that.

What I have seen thou couldst not imagine;

What I have done, I implore do not.

I am known not for following my thoughts

But my blood, which rarely runs to my brain.

And so mistakes are mine to make,

Errors mine to call, by our lady.

But in a hundred years, one thing

Have I been sure of: You.

I ask you not for anything.

Say not, “I love you” as I want you

Or because I cannot have you.

It has naught to do with I.

I love what you are,

What you do, how you try.

I have seen your kindness,

Aye, and your strength. I’ve seen

The best and the worst of you.

And now I see with perfect clarity

Exactly how thou art.

Thou art a singular woman, Buffy.

Thou art the one.

Buffy I do not wish to be.

Spike I do not wish to be so pleasing

To th’eye. We all must bear our crosses.

Fun, huh?

Thus he spake: a Royale with cheese.

Two very funny things from the Blogosphere.

Firstly, by way of Whedon.info, a Shakespearean re-imagining of two Serenity speeches:

Capt: A dozen years have pass'd since this took place,
And all that time hath Parliament kept hid
The secret of this world, till River here
Unearth'd it from their minds. They feared she knew.
And right they were to dread, since many more
Among the spinning worlds would know it too.
And someone has to speak for those now dead.
For divers reasons did you join my crew
But all have come together to this place.
I've in the past demanded much of you.
Today I ask yet more; perhaps for all.
For this I know, as I know anything:
That they will try again. Another world
Will be the lab for this experiment.
Or maybe they will sweep this landscape clean
And in a year or ten attempt again.
They'll swing back like the needle to the north
To the belief that they can better men.
And I hold not to that. Here from this grave
I will not run. I aim to misbehave.

- o0o -

Capt: There's more to flight than buttons, albatross,
More to the pilot's role than charts and maps.
You know the foremost rule of flying? Aye,
I know you do, since you know what I'll say
Before I part my lips.
Riv: I do, but yet
I like to hear you say it nonetheless.
Capt: 'Tis love. Though you know all the math the 'verse
Contains, if in the sky you take a ship unloved
She'll shake you off as sure as worlds turn.
Love keeps her in the air when she should fall
And tells you that she hurts before she keens.
It makes her home.
Riv: The storm is getting worse.
Capt: We will endure a while, till it disperse.

by evilrooster, apparently inspired by metaquotes's brilliant Pulp Fiction parody:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.


...


J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

I LOVE this. Always said a lot of Joss Whedon's speeches were like poetry. A lot of his dialogue is, too. And anyone who thinks Tarantino has the franchise on gore, fast dialogue and bad language has clearly never read the Bard...

(and yes, now I'm going away to think of some of my own)

My Valentine's Day, by Kate Johnson, aged...

Aged 11. Boys are icky. Urgh, I don't want a Valentine from them.
Aged 12. Wonder if any of the cute boys in my class will send me a card?
Aged 13. Why aren't there any cute boys in my class?
Aged 14. No, seriously.
Aged 15. So boys in general aren't icky, but all the ones I know in the specific are. Which is why none of them have sent me a card.
Aged 16. Who wants a Valentine's card anyway? It's all stupid crass commercialism.
Aged 17. Maybe if I cut my hair and lost a few pounds I'd get a card.
Aged 18. Or how about highlights?
Aged 19. Who cares about Valentine's cards? I'm so fabulous now I'm probably scaring them all away.
Aged 20. Why did I have to scare them all away? Valentine's Day sucks.
Aged 21. And there are all these smug couples being smug. Why would I celebrate a day devoted to smugness?
Aged 22. I'm going to spend the day with someone who does love me: the cat.
Aged 23. The cat died. On Valentine's Day. Did I not say this day sucked enough?
Aged 24. Success, a card! Shame I absolutely don't fancy him.
Aged 25. This year I'm absolutely not getting my hopes up.
Maybe.

Cat hit by mouse

No, really.

It's his own fault (I was going to take a picture of the mouse teetering on the edge, his paw on the wire, but as I hit the button he actually pulled it down on himself).

It's a good job he's pretty.

I just had to buy this

Especially since it's actually a kid's t-shirt (yes! I can fit into kid's clothes! Well, sorta), and was therefore only £3.50. I love supermarket clothes.


In case you can't read it (I tried to stretch it out but I'm, er, not very flat anywhere) it says Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate. Since it was actually on a stand facing the vomitorious Valentines displays (can you tell I loathe V-Day?), I thought it was especially funny.

1,2,3,4, let's play kitten war

Okay, Alysia, this is all your fault. I'm now reduced to checking Kitten War a gazillion times a day just to see if Spike's up there yet. And once he is, I'll be searching him out and, like, making him beat the other kittens. Because he is SO the cutest.


See? Proud mama.

And here's a LOLcat I made of Sugar, just for shits'n'giggles. Might send it to them, if I can be bothered.

My Daemon

Yep, I'm a Pullman fan, and I'm looking forward to the Golden Compass (although I don't know why they couldn't have called it the Northern Lights). And I really hope it's good. In the meantime, here's a cute little timewaster from the official movie site:



Hmm. not sure a gibbon is really me. And what the hell is with 'Tarquin'?

ETA: Ooh, I changed it. Apparently now Tarquin is a...what is that, a mink or something?