On Beauty

Subtitle: Why are the beautiful people always evil?

In the bad old days of bodice-ripper romances, the heroine was a very beautiful, fiesty virgin who had no real idea of her looks. Frequently, she thought she was terribly plain (the old "Why must I be slender and blonde, with such large breasts, when all the other girls of my village are stocky and strong, with small breasts that never get in the way when they're carrying oxen to market?" lament). But the hero (macho to the point of cruelty) nonetheless saw the sparkling, defiant beauty hidden behind her ponytail and paint-stained overalls, and fell into a mad passion and a love that dared not speak its...etc etc.

Fast-forward twenty or so years, and we've turned a corner so sharp we're facing back the other way. The beautiful heroine is No More. In her place is a gal with a few extra pounds, hair that's unmanageable, and tiny little flat bosoms. She doesn't have the time or money for designer togs and expensive manicures (but she can still go out without make-up, so she can't be truly ugly). She's meant to be like you and me. She's meant to be normal.

But the gorgeous blonde with the dainty hips and giant bazoombas hasn't gone away. She's still there...as the Evil One.

You know how it goes. Improbably gorgeous hero falls for klutzy heroine, cellulite and all (and if I read one more hero who gets turned on by stretch marks, I might vomit), but then heroine sees him talking to the gorgeous blonde, and hatred fills her. How dare this tiny little pixie with her Kate Moss eyes and her perfect manicure horn in on our heroine's territory? How dare she be so skinny? And beautiful? How dare she have such perfect hair and large breasts? What a bitch. She must be destroyed.

Inevitably, she turns out to be the hero's ex, and incidentally Satan in disguise. So it's okay that our heroine hates her. Because she's eeevill!!

Which does, of course, lead me to wonder how damn stupid the hero was that he couldn't see past the big bazoombas and the fluttery eyelashes to the soul-sucking demon within. Our heroine could see it straight away. Or could she? Did she hate the ex because she knew, instinctively, that she was evil? Or just because she was beautiful?

And why must the Beautiful People be eeevill!! anyway? Can't we have a pretty person in a book who's, well, quite nice, actually? Must she be eeevill!!? Why is it that our ordinary heroine (who is of course unutterably beautiful to our hero, who is probably an ancient vampire warrior from a time when women had some padding on them, dammit) can't stand the beautiful one? Why is she made into a creature of pure eeevill!! again and again?

It can't be jealousy. Because that would imply that the author has some sort of complex about beautiful people, which in turn would imply that the author isn't herself perfectly attractive. But we all know that romance authors aren't all old, fat and ugly, so that can't be it.

A while ago--not long after the birth of her child, I think--Gwen Stefani was quoted as saying that she'd worked damn hard to achieve the fabulous body she has, and she was damned if she was going to pretend she hadn't (I can't remember the exact quote, and I sure as hell am not going to bugger around all day Googling it). Being beautiful is a full-time occupation. Not many people roll out of bed looking like Gwen. Gwen doesn't roll out of bed looking like Gwen. She works hard and it pays off.

Maybe, then, this hatred of the Beautiful People is a kind of jealousy. Not because she's prettier than the heroine, but because she works harder on her appearance. She does the stomach crunches that we don't want to do. She spends half her salary on highlights. She denies herself chocolate and burgers. She works hard. So, are we jealous of the way she looks, or the effort she puts in? Are we jealous because she's maximising the assets God gave her? If she exploited a talent for playing the piano, would you despise her for that?

You don't tend to get beautiful heroines any more. And when you do, they're not aware of or interested in their looks (this goes double on TV, where everyone is beautiful and unaware of it). Well, that's bullshit. You don't walk around looking like a catwalk model and get to behave like an ordinary person. Next time you're anywhere near a beach or a pool and you spot that gorgeous girl in her bikini, don't send her death rays. Watch how she's treated. Men hassle her. Women hate her. Whenever she's in a bar, she gets drunken come-ons, often from men who don't understand 'No'. She doesn't keep male friends for long, because inevitably they make a pass at her. She can never be sure she got her job because she's actually good at what she does. If she turns up anywhere looking less than perfect, she gets five times the hassle an ordinary woman does.

So why do I never read about this in a book? Why is the beautiful heroine unaware of her looks? Why is the beautiful ex automatically eeevill!!? Maybe if someone wrote about a beautiful heroine who dealt with the crap beautiful people have to deal with, then we wouldn't all hate them all so much, and they might get a better deal in books.

That's my thought for the day. Any takers?