Thursday Thirteen: Headlines from 2012

Thirteen headlines from 2012 1. Wills and Colleen to wed! Prince William announced today his engagement to Colleen McLoughlin, former girlfriend of Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney. Rooney is said to be devastated and too depressed to play football any more. "I might take up ping-pong though," he said. Other reactions came from Buckingham Palace, where the Queen is said to have asked why her son was marrying Princess Fiona from the seven Shrek movies; and Kate Middleton, who was heard to mutter, "They never asked me to be on the cover of American Vogue." 2. Olympic Stadium set to be finished by 2025 The Sir David Beckham Stadium is set to be finished ahead of schedule in 2025. Critics have pointed out that it ought have been finished in time for the Olympics in London this year, but Mayor Ken Livingstone responded that he only heard of the Olympics for the first time seven years ago, "and how long do you think it takes to build a stadium anyway?" 3. Harry Potter and the Unemployment Centre released in July! The tenth book in the series follows Harry as he prepares to leave Wandsticks University and finds that a 2-1 in Applied Magic won't get him far in the job market. Now poor Harry is faced with mounting debts from his multi-million-galleon education, not to mention trying to support the wand-weilding twins resulting from his affair with Ginny Weasley and trying to write a best man speech for Ron and Hermione's wedding. 4. Petrol prices in the UK hit £10/gallon "I remember back in 2007 when it passed £4 a gallon," said Larry Driver of Epping, "and we all thought that was monstrous. I can't believe it still costs less than a quid in America. What, do they just pull it out of the ground over there?" The price hike comes after a 400% tax is placed on all car products. The price of an average family car is now higher than the average family home. 5. Salt declared a Class A drug From July, anyone found in possession of a full gram of salt could face ten years in jail, with suppliers getting lifetime imprisonment. "The problem is that it's so easy to make," said Doctor Nannystate, a government research scientist. "We have massive communities of salt-addicts living by the sea, just boiling water to get salt. It's become a huge problem and we just don't have the police-power to deal with it." 6. Another cigarette-related explosion Since smoking was outlawed anywhere on land in Britain, there have been increasing numbers of boat thefts and explosions on off-shore oil rigs as smokers take to the seas to fuel their habit. "What with them and the salt-fiends, the seaside has become an incredibly dangerous place to raise children," said Soho Davis, MP for Dunwich. 7. Keira Knightley piles on the pounds As competition mounts to find the perfect actress to play inept spy Sophie Green from Kate Johnson's best-selling novels, actresses across the UK and Hollywood try to prove their suitability. "It's the role of a lifetime," Keira says. "I've been following Renee Zellweger's Bridget Jones diet of pizza and Guinness and I hope this gives me the right look to play Sophie." Critics have expressed concern that the actress may be piling on too many pounds. "We don't want her to join the obesity epidemic," said celebrity chef Sir Jamie Oliver. But others have condemned the character for not being fat enough. "She's a UK size twelve," says Aunty Zero, a teen magazine agony aunt. "That puts her dangerously close to the size zero that is so very unhealthy. We're advising teenage girls that anything less than a size sixteen is bowing to peer pressure." 8. Geography lessons abolished In accordance with government guidelines on offensive terms, many schools are now scrapping their Geography curriculum. "It's just too difficult to teach a class without using the word 'Asian'" said Pansy Blackman, a London teacher, "which was banned last month in case it incited religious hatred." Other words on this week's banned list include black, white, yellow, colour, gay, pansy, straight, thin, fat, ugly, woman, man, female, male, and carbohydrate, which after tomorrow will carry a £1,000 on-the-spot fine for useage. "We think our Art lessons might have to be scrapped too," said the teacher, who from now on will be known as Liberty Bland, "and it doesn't look good for Biology, either." 9. Kate Johnson slowest ever Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. The best-selling author this week made history as the slowest ever driver to make it round the Top Gear test track. "She was slower than the blind man," says former presenter Jeremy Clarkson, now imprisoned for inciting radical anti-green behaviour such as driving a car faster than 30mph. "She stalled three times on the Hammerhead. Of course, since they won't allow any vehicle that doesn't run on sustainable electricity, she was limited with her acceleration, but even so it was pretty damn slow." Says Johnson, "I don't know how the hell I managed to stall the Reasonably Priced Milk Float. It doesn't even have a clutch." 10. Green baby for Angelina and Brad Following the discovery that food-colouring can be injected into sperm cells, Brad and Angelina Pitt-Jolie are delighted to announce that they will be giving birth to the world's first green baby. "We're just so delighted," cooed Angelina, surrounded by her seven adopted children. "I wanted to create a rainbow family, but I just wasn't satisfied with the rather shabby choice of colours available in nature. And green is so the colour of the moment." Says Brad, "I'm delighted of course, but I have to say it was weird having green sperm." 11. Woman wins right to wear clothes on plane Following last year's security restrictions prohibiting all non-essential footwear, clothing and hair on board aircraft, Godiva Loveit from Bristol today won a landmark case against the ruling. Ms Loveit, who suffers from deep vein thrombosis, has been allowed to wear support socks on board the plane, provided she screens them separately in a clear plastic bag and carries a doctor's prescription with her. "I'm just so glad," she said yesterday on the courthouse steps. "Although I know I'll have to face people who think all clothed passengers are terrorists." 12. Antique skis displayed in V&A The Victoria and Albert museum today announced their acquisition of one of the last pairs of skis in the world. "It's so strange to think that a mere five years ago, people would strap these things to their feet and go hurtling down mountains," said the museum's curator. Overheard in the lobby, one child asked his parents, "What's all that white stuff covering the mountains?" 13. Heather to remarry The world's richest divorcée, Heather Mills-McCartney-Jagger-Windsor, announced today that she is to marry the Sultan of Brunei next year. "He's not as rich as I am," she said, "but what does that matter when you're in love?" She is said to be planning a double wedding with her former son-in-law, Prince William, but his fiancée is not keen. "She might change her mind and run off with Wills," said Colleen, "and we can't have that: Woolworths have already started selling Wills'n'Colleen commemorative plates."

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