The secret diary of Spike, aged 22 months

God, I'm bored. Well, actually, Me, I'm bored, because it's generally understood that I am the God King around here. Humans are a bit dim and it took them a while to catch on, but they seem to understand now. Young Female in particular makes a very good worshipper. She's not very bright: she can't distinguish between the Hungry Miaow and the Play With Me Miaow, but she does try.

The only problem with being a god is that you have to have an antithesis. Mine lives in the same house. The Demon Puppy tends to get arsey about me being fed first, even though, as Young Male has explained, dogs understand heirarchy in a similar way to lions, with the most important pride members eating first. As the God King, it is only my right to eat first. Demon Puppy, however, clearly thinks she is more important (blasphemer!) and sometimes growls at me. Perhaps she is jealous, since I get flakes of cod in jelly and she gets tripe.

Fur is looking very magnificent these days. Winter is clearly my season: long, thick, fluffy fur that prompts extra admiration from humans. Although they do have this weird tendency to put on strange accents and talk about Mr Bond when I sit on their laps.

For some reason, the humans took down my theme park--you know, the one that was put up about a month ago, with a fun fake tree to climb and all these things to bat and bite and chase around. Still, I got some new fun toys to play with, all full of catnip. Note to self: cut down on catnip. You don't want to be a junkie God.

Young Female tells me that her efforts to raise money for some other cats weren't very successful. Don't know why she bothered: after all, I am the most important cat in the world, why should the others even be of interest? It is, however, slightly distressing that even pictures of me, looking adorable as a baby or magnificent as an adult, didn't inspire people at all. What's wrong with them? Young Female has pointed out to me that she is trying to support the place from whence I came (Heaven? Very odd), and all the other cats who weren't lucky enough to live with someone who worships them as much as she does.

Personally, I think those cats have got it made. After all, there's no Demon Puppy there, is there?